I HATE THIS!

Okay, I just had to let that out of my system, now that I have, let’s dive in to another deep, personal and emotional post about mental health shall we? After my content got lost in Cyberspace last year this category has felt thin & empty, but it takes a lot of energy to pour your feelings out in front of strangers (and potentially also family/friends) that will read what you write. Even if this subject has proved over and over to be very rewarding, it can also be quite hard emotionally, regardless of all positive feedback I’ve received from you. It is scary and hard to put such a raw version of yourself in print for everyone to judge, but I know how much it has helped you in similar situations to feel less alone and for me it helps to hear other people go through something similar and I can only hope this will help you as well! I am gonna keep adding to this category and be honest with you when shit gets hard, it might just take some time to put my thoughts and feelings into words and I hope you can understand that.

TRUTHBOMB: I FEEL LIKE I CURRENTLY HAVE NOTHING IN CONTROL

Let’s talk about mental health during this pandemic! I bet I’m not the only one whose had a lot of ups and downs and I feel that it’s important to talk about this and not pretend like this isn’t affecting me in any way. This whole situation has got me feeling like a caged animal, and more now than ever before I realize how important the freedom to roam means to me. I am a wild soul, a free spirit and I am not meant to stay earthbound, with no room to spread my wanderlust wings. For someone whose whole existence kind of have been circulating around traveling for the past few years I can say that I feel very lost. It’s like the whole reason for my existence has been put on PAUSE and it sucks, big time, and if you’re anything like me, I feel your pain and I am sure that you feel mine.

I just want to point out that I am very fortunate, my ‘problems’ during this pandemic might seem small, pointless or not important at all if you look at the bigger picture, but this is my life and my reaction to the current situation and I hope that you do not take any offence in anything I will say.

When the big wave struck Europe I was in Hemsedal, Norway and I wrote about how Corona affected my life as a nomad in the beginning of the big outbreak a while back. A few things has happened since. I decided to return to Sweden end of April and was fortunate enough that a local cafe was looking for a barista just as I came back to town. They could only offer me casual employment, due to Corona but taking everything into consideration it is better than nothing! The only thing is, this was the first time I returned to my hometown since September 2016 without knowing when I’d be able to leave again and if I’m being completely honest it scared the shit out of me.

It can be fun to come back for a short visit, I have friends and family here that I love and it’s always nice to see them, but I do not belong here. It used to be a tough pill to swallow - the fact that I don’t feel like I belong in my hometown. In my head it feels like you’re suppose to like your hometown, but I don’t really have warm fuzzy feelings about this place and I can’t really explain why, I just don’t, and perhaps there are other people out there who feels the same way I do. I have come to terms with how I am feeling and once I accepted feeling this way it lifted a lot of shame and guilt of my chest. Is this an unpopular opinion to have? Perhaps, but I don’t mind anymore.

I enjoy my new job, and the family who owns the cafe are super sweet. It’s also been fun to catch up with friends and family and I have come to accept that I might be staying in Eskilstuna for quite some time. I’m not gonna lie and said it was easy to accept, the first 2 weeks was full of ups and downs, where I questioned my choice of lifestyle, worried and stressed about the summer, the future, money and work and some days it was quite hard to get out of bed. I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason, but I can honestly say that I can’t see the bigger picture here, although I am sure it will reveal itself, it always does. I just need to be patient.

Nonetheless, regardless of how I might feel about this town, I feel very blessed to have a home I am able to return to, and one day, after meditating for 20 minutes, I realized that I get to choose what kind of summer I want to have. It can be as good or as bad as I put my mind too, the decision is mine, no one can make that decision for me. And I do not regret choosing this lifestyle, even if my life might be a bit bumpy right now and I might not have a lot figured out, I love it to bits and right now, I couldn’t imagine going down a different path! But having these kind of reflections is good for the soul I think, it makes you properly value things and realize what is truly important to you. After this session I also realized that there might be some positive things hiding behind all the negative things that has happened since this pandemic broke out.

Sometimes when things are darker than usual, it is very easy to only see the bad and forget that more often than not, there will always be some positive side effects hiding behind the negative ones. So I decided to write down the positive side effects I’ve experienced and below I will share some of the things that made it to my list:

• I had more time to catch up with my friends far away due to unemployment! (not saying unemployment is fun, BUT, there are perks to it)

• I had more time for Yoga and was able to practice more frequently working on learning/perfecting a shoulder-stand!

• While I was still in Hemsedal I had more time to cook & bake and was able to connect deeper with my housemate.

• I have been able to fully relax without feeling guilty for it. (a little while at least haha)

• I have been spending more time going on long walks in nature.

• I have picked up an old habit - Reading! - and listening to audio books - Books I’ve read/listened too during Corona is ‘The Alchemist’, ‘The subtle art of not giving a fuck’, ‘The art of being disliked’ and I’ve started on the Harry Potter books!! I’ve always wanted to read them, geek alert haha! Currently on the 2nd book.

• I was suppose to have 1 week between jobs, Instead I had months and was able to spend some amazing quality time with people I hold very dear, you can’t put a price tag on these kind of things, you simply can’t.

Now, bad days will always come. But a mix of Yoga, meditation, practicing gratitude and talking about how I feel at the moment is making things more manageable and easier to handle/digest. The things I do might not work for you, but there is no harm in trying! Feelings demands to be felt, so try not to bottle them up because they will surface sooner or later, that is something I have learned the hard way from years of experience so take my word for it. Also, don’t beat yourself up too much. It is okay to have a bad night/day/week, it is okay to cry for no reason and it’s okay to stay in bed some days. We are going through some very uncertain times right now and I think we’re all feeling a little lost. But make sure you’re ready for the world when it decides to let us out and play again, I believe it simply needed a little break from us, that’s all, and perhaps we all needed a little break from our busy lives to see it from a different perspective so we could re-evaluate the things that truly matter to us.

How are you holding up? Are your mind also playing tricks on you? I know commenting here might not be ideal if you want to stay anonymous, but you can always slide a DM into @apieceofmypie on Instagram and I’ll do my best to answer you as soon as I’m able! Hang in there buddy, this will hopefully all be over soon. My best advice for you right now is to stay safe, stay healthy and take care of yourself! That was everything for now, and until next time, take care! xo Nathalie